The Talk

        I have enjoyed returning to school and learning about the world and myself.  As someone with a full time job, it can sometimes be hard to keep up with school work.  I have to make schoolwork a priority.  I’m a 37 year old wife and mother of three college sophomores.  My daughters attend college in Iowa, Illinois and Japan.  Now you may be wondering if I am a proud mother of triplets. Sorry to disappoint, but you could say we have a “blended family.” Within a two week period, we went from a bustling house full of busy chatty teenagers to just us “old people.”  We miss them, but it is wonderful to see them grow as independent, courageous young women.  After our girls were settled in college for a year and a brief bout with cancer, I realized that I wanted to return to school as well.  Also, the financial aid forms didn’t seem quite as scary as they did when I was young and wanted to attend college. 
        In her “Mini-Post: The College Conversation That I Hope Parents & Students Will Have This Thanksgiving,” communications professor Ellen Breman makes a direct plea to the parents and then to the students about “the college conversation” that will likely take place over the Thanksgiving break.  She asks parents to throw out the standard open ended question about how school is going.  The reason Breman argues this is because a student who might have poor grades could become defensive.  Instead, she suggests the parents mention that the semester is coming to an end soon and ask if their children have confirmed their grades with professors to make sure they are accurate.  Breman adds that “sometimes profs make mistakes” putting in grades.  Breman asserts that this may take the student by surprise and will hopefully nudge the student to take responsibility for their grades before the end of the semester, when it will likely be too late to do anything about bad grades.  At this point, Breman shifts directly to the student, noting the same: talk to professors after Thanksgiving break. 
        Even though this blog article was written four years ago, the subject is still very relevant.  My unique perspective of being a college student and a mother of college students made this article ring true to me.  I worry about my children’s grades, but as the mother of college students, I have to respect their adulthood and this time of self development and self awareness in their lives.  Sure, a parent still needs to be there and offer advice to their child as they become adults, but there is a fine line between offering suggestions and overstepping boundaries.  Nothing is worse than a helicopter parent of a twenty something year old.  Part of the college experience is being responsible for yourself and dealing with consequences of your actions.  Breman’s advice to parents works well because it encourages specificity enabling a more productive conversation.  Breman’s advice makes parents and students feel like they are on the same team, instead of in conflict.
        Breman communicates in an effective, easy to understand way to both students and parents.  Her style works because she is speaking to them as a trusted friend and advisor with relevant advice.    Parents will benefit from Breman’s down to earth style in understanding the mind and experiences of their college students.  Students will hopefully understand their parents’ concerns a little better as well as take responsibility for their grades.  Not all parents of college students have been college students themselves.  I have been on both sides of this spectrum.  When my kids started college, I had never attended.  Now I am current college student.  I have a new perspective and appreciation on what my children are going through because my experience is concurrent with theirs.  I find that I can have a more focused conversation about school with my daughters since we are going through a lot of the same situations.  I appreciate Breman’s advice for myself as a new college student working hard to make the best grades and as a parent trying to ensure that my children are doing the best they can in all areas of their lives.  Breman’s advice for parents is useful because parents of college children are generally trying to figure out how to be parents of college children.  As parents, we may think we know best, but we cannot forever be the parent of an infant or toddler.  In the same token, we cannot forever be the parent of a middle or high school student.   Our best intentions of being a “good” parent can unintentionally distance ourselves and destroy relationships with our newly emerging adult children.
Originally posted to College Dilemmas blog on December 28, 2016.